So this is another thoughts post but I feel I need to air some things out and get them off my chest; I feel the best way to do this is an open letter to my best friend.
I'm currently sat in my best friend’s car whilst he happily drifts the streets sideways; how I can be on my phone whilst he does it is beyond me but I've become accustomed to it aha!
I’ve been thinking lately just why can't I move on? I have a fantastic person sat next to me who does anything and everything for me, is there for me, and says all the right things. He brings me happiness when I'm down: makes me feel special, makes me so happy. He’s always there for me, sticking up for me when comments are made. He is the perfect person but why can't I say yes to making us both happy and being together?
My minds all over the place, I'm not hung up on my ex anymore yet I just don't feel as if I can be in a relationship yet and I feel like a mug. It's only been six months since the dreaded breakup that nearly drove me to death but I'm still here.
Why can't I just be happy and make him happy too? I think the world of him and would be lost without him. My mind just cannot function
And at this very moment he's asking me what I'm doing so sorry Josh I'm writing this which you're probably going to read later since you found my blog you sneaky so and so! Laughing at me whilst I currently word vom on here haha!
It's a weird one and I just want to make everyone happy - yes I'm happy at the moment but there keeps being knock backs with my conscious and subconscious taking over one another.
Part of me says yes, I will be yours. The other part says, Jodie not yet you need the time to yourself. What is this 'time'?! How long do I need?! Someone please tell me, they say to wait until you're ready again but when will that ready be? What is ready?! I can't fathom it right now.
You're the one who will let me cry, let me sing my heart out in the car; take me out for hours on end. Calling me just to make sure I'm alright. You're the only one I can rely on. You know my darkest secrets and demons. You know what brings me down. You know my current relationship with my parents. You know everything; most importantly you know how to make me happy. Every weekend we’re spending hours upon hours together, I think we counted that it was nine hours on Saturday night?
You do everything for me and I just want to be able to give it all back to you but I can't. I really wish I could. But right now my head my head is fucked - apologies for swearing everyone but it's the only word that explains how I'm feeling.
You share my love of the backstreet boys, cars, you let me be mysellf, and most importantly coffee - toffee lattés if I'm exact aha. I'm also the best co-pilot, yes we nearly got arrested once but I've saved our arses every other time!
I'm going to leave it here because otherwise I think I might have a meltdown
Bloggers - any advice?
Josh if you read this I hope you understand
Until next time,